Samson Paul Neb Moses Maggie Martha Joseph John Job Jezebel Esther Eve
   Launch the Ark
   News & clips
   Divine dozen
   – Simon
   – Diary
   – Questionnaire
   – Biography
   – Books etc.
   Original Ark
   Study notes
   Simon | Diary
During the 40 days and 40 nights of the Ark's voyage, our 12 crew members will be recording their thoughts and feelings about their Arkmates, the tasks and crises they'll be facing, and the dreadful prospect of walking the plank before the Ark reaches Mt Ararat. For Simon Peter's Diary, read on... and click the "comments" links to add your own comments to any of his diary entries.
Tits and bumsMay 20, 15:07
This deserves a separate page. This is what set me up for planking.

To start with, I only got wind of the gender bender service theme a couple of hours before it, so didn't manage much of a search for verses... just had the "rejoice in the wife of your youth" (well I do!) verse rolling round my mind, didn't even realise it ended with breasts (but I'm not complaining).

Anyway, I did have a point to make about it: that God likes it when men and women rejoice in each other (and that *must* include each others' bits), and he wants us to be faithful, to keep rejoicing as we get older, to keep loving each other, more and more. Because that's what he's like.

But (stupid stupid Simon!) I'd already had a chuckle at another breast reference, so of course nobody was gonna listen by then. I think Martha may have got my point. She's well smart.

No, as soon as I laughed, that was it. Anytime I tried to say anything serious, they thought I was playing up again. And all that PC rubbish - hypocritical PC rubbish - Jez said crying is feminine, is that PC? And Martha said something good about men and women reflecting God in different ways... then someone wrecked it by saying men don't dominate women, which is blatant cobblers.

They still didn't get it! I wasn't saying that was good or bad, just that it's true. I know for a fact that women can get their way whenever they want it (look at Esther!) - but mostly they don't force it. They let us blokes get on with it, love us, support us and watch us cock it all up - every crazy stunt we do - and they carry on doing it.

Do you think there's any bloke in the world who'd be happy about his wife following Jesus round for 3 years? But my wife didn't say a word, through the times when there was no food on the table to the times when I was halfway around the world with no idea when I'd be back - she was always there. And in the end, I guess I saw what Jesus saw in women. The way a mother's love is stronger than death, the way a wife's love goes way, way further than a husband's roving eyes.

God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I forget all that when the goods are there in front of me. You of all people know that I'm weak. Is there time for the women to forgive me?
add your comment

Haunted and houndedMay 20, 14:31
Not happy. Seriously, not happy.

You know what they say - 3rd time lucky. For the others. I'll be off tonight for sure. They'll finally be rid of me and will probably throw a party. Nice way to treat a man who's just come back from the dead.

Dunno how many days I lost last week... missed Mags going completely. Would've liked to have said goodbye, cos she was all right. And I could have made sure she took her bloody ferret with her!

So it all carries on, and I'm up and about. But the visions haven't gone... I see ghostly grey Gabes. All the time. Walking around like the regular Gabe.

I tried to tell the others - following it, pointing at it... but they couldn't see. Then it started following me. I hid behind Sam, it came after me. I moved from room to room, it was always there... it even followed me to the Crows Nest and wouldn't leave. When the nominations were announced there were 2 of them alongside the real Gabe. They were looking at me.

And that's how I know that today's the day. They're here for me.

God denied it. He asked if I was taking my medication. But he denied that my illness meant anything, too. It can't be chance - it must be demons. Coming at me in every way they can. Lord, why won't you help me?

Sorry about the messMay 16, 23:08

Managed to lurch out of bed in time for nominations...

Which means I didn't dream the last vote. My diary agrees, but I wouldn't trust my scribbles from the last few days. I don't even know how many days its been.

I think I've vommed over just about the whole boat. Ugh. Deck, living room, showers, finally made the toilet.

Please, Lord, let me be over the worst...

Struck down in my primeMay 16, 14:03
Ugh. Can barely open my eyes to see what I'm writing. Lord, do I feel rough or what?

I'd put it down to variety of drinks I'd been mixing in the bar, but this is no hangover.

I've had scurvy, and it's nothing like this.

I've been sleeping half the day and then wandering the ark in a daze. My head pounds, my limbs feel like lead and my mouth tastes like the bottom of Houdini's cage... I'm hot, cold, shivering and sweating all at once. Is this what it's like to be Job?

Can't tell the difference between dreams and reality... I remember a fight between Esther and Jez - did that happen? Tentacles writhing out of the hold... Dancing by the side of the pool... Getting pulled along by the boat, my feet strapped to planks, almost like walking on the water... Bursting in on a date between Neb and Martha - must've dreamt that, they'd never pair off... Has Neb gone, or is the vote still going? How long have I been here in bed? Days, weeks?

Lord, how long? Is this punishment? Is it a demon? What have I done??

If it's time for me to join you in your Father's house, make it quick!
add your comment

You're no fun any more.May 15, 14:59
So Neb got chucked. Great. Absolutely fan-bloody-tastic. Get rid of the pagans so we can have our holy huddle, easy, unthreatening, where no one gets hurt but NOTHING HAPPENS.

It'll be Jez next. Just you wait. And then where's the excitement going to come from?

May 13, 23:15
Ha ha! God had set Neb up on a date with Martha because Esther was ill, so me and Paul decided to go in and make things more interesting. (Let's face it, they don't have much in common.) We stood there singing "Close to You", and after a while, the radio joined in - it even told us the next verse! God has a wicked sense of humour.

Not much happening today. Lots of chatting, not much action. Trying to find ways of making things more exciting. That's the trouble with being at sea - however much you love it, after a while you miss all the things you can do on land. I really want to build a sandcastle, ride on a donkey, fill a pint glass right to the top without it spilling, call for my mates, sit under a tree... well, s'pose there's not long to go now. Will just have to make sure I make the most of these last few days here.

Was glad of yesterday's break. I got a few things sorted. Like the Rock thing. I think God's just telling me to be myself, and let him sort out the rest. So there's no holding back for Simon Peter! Well, maybe my hands when Esther's near. And Jez. And Mags...
add your comment

So you take a few hours out to get your head sorted...May 13, 14:52
...and you come back to find the whole world's lurched onto a different course.

Four nominees? And I'm not one of them? What's going on?

Have they finally realised that having a fishermen on their boat might come in handy? Have they come round to the idea that it's OK to have a laugh in the midst of evangelising? Have they all got sick of Maggie's ferret and Samson's spooning?

I dunno what's going on, but I know that something's changed.

Is it me?

Has everyone got rabies?May 11, 23:35
Weird few days.

Was pretty gutted that Mo got planked. We spent so much time together, by the end it was like we'd known each other for centuries. It was like losing my best mate. And as if things couldn't get *worse*, as soon as he's gone, Samson starts following me round like he's trying to take his place! Like he could be anything like old Mo... bloomin hippy-haired hunk of meat.

So yesterday was pretty crap. Got into quite a good chat with Marth at one point - about time travel. Wicked. Turned out we were talking about different things - I was talking about actually going back and forward in time - she was talking about looking back and forward. But you can't look forward! Every time you try, things turn out to be not what you expected.

I tried to explain that that was why I cut that poor geezer's ear off, but she didn't get it. She didn't get that we thought JC had come to free us from the Romans, that there'd be fighting, swords, blood, victory! We didn't think it was time for him to go, didn't think that victory would come through his death.

Was really missing my mate today, even though we had lots to do. Service was weird tonight, made me think a couple of the arkmates might have lost the plot. Meditating about giant ferrets? Martha giving us the goss about her and Sam? And then John starting a disco down with the animals? More like a rock festival than church. Where did God come into it?

Anyway, the evening finished with us trying out our chat-up lines on the girls... and them proving just how shallow they are - the rich boy wins by offering presents. I can't believe Esther would choose Neb over me! I offered to melt her heart! Paul managed to show he's more than just a gob on legs - there might actually be a sex drive under all that theology. John, now... well. Some are born horny, some achieve horniness, and some have horniness thrust upon them. John's the latter. He did try, but Roman roads? Since when was concrete sexy?


Bye bye MoMay 10, 23:05
Bye bye Mo
Bye bye happiness
Hello loneliness
I think I'm gonna cry

Bye bye Mo
Bye bye tender wuss
Hello emptiness
I feel like I'm gonna die
Goodbye old Mo goodbye

There goes old Mo
Into the blue
He sure ain't happy
I sure ain't too
He was my best mate
On this floating zoo
And now I feel like
A pile of poo
add your comment

OuchMay 9, 12:35
Got Sam to punch me in the stomach last night. Pretended I was testing how rock-like my abs were, but really it was a kind of penance for nominating him. Not that I'm a great believer in penance, mind - Christ having died for sins once for all - but it did make me feel better.

Bit sore today.

View current diary
View Archive 1
The Ark © 2003
*Samson not drawn to scale