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   Job | Diary
During the 40 days and 40 nights of the Ark's voyage, our 12 crew members will be recording their thoughts and feelings about their Arkmates, the tasks and crises they'll be facing, and the dreadful prospect of walking the plank before the Ark reaches Mt Ararat. For Job's Diary, read on... and click the "comments" links to add your own comments to any of his diary entries.
The Last PostMay 2, 12:38
Well I guess this will be my last post -- my testament to twelve days on the Ark.

I've learned a number of things: many of my Arkmates seem to have a very casual attitude about G-d. I'm not saying that they have to be paragons of piety or anything, but the casual use of the Divine Name ("dude") and the failure to obey the voice of the One-who-cannot-be-Named are troubling trends. While I don't wish ill on anybody, some smiting might be in order (I could make recommendations!).

Some of the sentiment at the vote last night seemed very genuine. I especially appreciated Esther's concern and regret not being able to get to know her more. On the other hand, it is difficult to be really sanguine with everybody, knowing that they are the ones that sealed my fate. Martha was sweet, trying to accompany me to the bird-place for my exit interview. I hope Peter appreciates the irony of somebody who is reverent and pious being planked instead of the one who's loutish behaviour offended so many.

I'll miss the bar. It was a good place to be. Songs, philosophy, theology, humanity -- these are the makings of a good place to meet. I'd like to find a place like that for worship, you know...

Cheers and blessings, all!

Job (aka. David)

The message is ended; go in peace!
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Taking PicturesMay 1, 11:56
Knowing that this could well be my last full day on the Ark, I really enjoyed the picture project. It gave me a chance to photograph myself with some of my mates, and have some souvenirs to put in my life-jacket. The most fun was getting Simon Peter to stand by the plank with me and wave. He and I spent some quality time together, and he is certainly a better bloke one on one than he is in front of a crowd. I can see what Jesus saw in him.

Being a potential "plankee" certainly has some benefits. Most of the crew were very kind and generous with supportive comments and sympathy. At the bar last night, Esther and I danced, and Jezebel hinted that I might have a memorable last night. Mind you, sympathy is a lousy substitute for love.

Speaking of love, Samson and Martha seemed joined at the hip tonight. I'm happy for them, but wonder if 10 days acquaintance is really enough time to enter a permanent relationship. Of course, instead of divorce, they could always nominate one another for planking.

I have no idea where the charity funds will be directed -- between a quarter of the crew getting quarantined in the dining room, and everybody else snapping photos, I couldn't find the meeting to determine where the money would go. I'm sure it will be a good cause (as long as it's not a George W. Bush re-election campaign).

We saw (or heard) a different side of G-d tonight. We have seen the creative part, and know that G-d has a sense of drama and humour; tonight we saw that G-d can get angry. I am glad that the Divine wrath was not directed my way. This led to my prayer -- I went to the Crow's Nest and prayed that G-d might smite those who are disobedient and spare the lives of those that are virtuous. This, perhaps, might send Neb to the briny deep and leave Simon and me to live faithfully amongst our mates.

Seeing as how this might be my last entry, let me thank you for your kindness in letting me be part of your lives for the last couple of weeks. You all are way better than my "friends" in the Book!

Cheers and blessings


My Sleepless NightApr 30, 3:12
Well I'm having a sleepless night...tossing and turning...miserable, wondering what I've done that is so offensive. Maybe the mates feel like the plank would be a coup de grace, so to speak; the Christians seem to talk about grace a lot (although John seems pumped up on repentence).

I went out on the upper deck to count the stars -- the Almighty recommends it as therapy. Naturally it was overcast.

Anyways...I've gotten a lot of bad news in my life. The house, the barns, especially the boys and their getting planked wouldn't be the worst...some of you wonder how to cope.

Just keep busy, you continue to respect the dignity of others, and G-d will be there through it all.

What...did you think I'd blame G-d? Well, Neb, maybe.

Hey...was that the elephants trumpeting or Simon Peter snoring?

OH...there was some other stuff that happened. Samson was in bed with Esther when we got up, and then proposed to Martha. I think she accepted (I know she was talking it over with the girls). She seems a bit flighty to me, but Samson has always been attracted to ravishing brunettes.

Eve and I had a nice did Mary Magdalene and I. I confessed to the physical intimidation posed by the almost naked amongst us, and complained about my ears -- hey...maybe that's why I may get planked -- and Mary very sagely noted that which was worse...a skimpy costume or sticky-out ears. Maybe the ears aren't so bad.

Cheers and blessings to all!


Wade in the WaterApr 29, 18:59
Wade in the water, least in the swimming pool. Praise be to the programmers who have given us this great gift. As well, praise be to the programmers who have brought Jezebel onto the Ark. A tatooed woman is an interesting addition, and will doubtless make me rethink some stereotypes that I have.

I spent some time yesterday looking on the bookshelves to read Jezebel's story...every shelf, I saw Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 2 Kings... I'm wondering if somebody took all the copies of 1 Kings to stop us checking out Jezebel's background.

I'm wondering if I should have cut Paul off at the bar yesterday. He switched from a little wine for the stomach to Jack Daniel's neat. While his capacity to imbibe is impressive, it didn't make a very good impression. I've always contended that there is some level of personal responsibility in living faithfully before G-d; some of this, surely, is to be responsible when we drink. If impaired driving is indictable, what about impaired preaching? Maybe I shouldn't go there...I've heard a lot of impaired sermons.

Something about Jezebel...her entry into the ark community was certainly stimulating. Next to Eve, her outfit is the most provacative, and she seems to be the only one vested for the pool. She seems very friendly and outgoing so far, but we probably haven't seen her sinister side yet (except in books). But none of us are wearing halos here (although a couple of them seem to think they are); most are just caring, ordinary folks thrown together in these most unique circumstances. I wouldn't even dare to ponder how the Almighty works through us.

I wish I could find my parrot...I'd like to have a good conversation.

Cheers and blessings!

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Hooowaahhh!Apr 28, 17:07
Thanks to the devoted lobbying of many on my behalf, I'm sure, and perhaps even a bit of divine intervention, Jezebel will be joining the crew. As you may recall, the first public poll had to do with "cheering me up" and the overwhelming suggestion was a date with Jezebel. Well, as of last night, it appears that the dream date may actually happen. I guess I'd better brush up on my personal hygiene before heading for the lounge today. I hope Jezebel's not as bitchy as is her portrayal in the Book (after all, I'm not nearly as grumpy as some people thought I might be).

On the Ark tonight, we had a church service. Neb, of course, thought himself above it all and didn't show up. It was an interesting and eclectic blending of traditions...John's hymn of repentence was reminiscent of something from South Pacific, and of all the places I thought my sins were lurking, my hair wasn't one of them (although there's enough of it to cover a multitude of sins). I washed anyways, did the prayer walk, listened to Simon's sermon, although it didn't seem very sensitive to the Jewish tradition, and volunteered to pray for the animals. Since a lot of what Moses had to say before the service was about sacrifice, I thought it important to remind my arkmates about sacrifice: that we need to remember the holiness and the presence of the divine in the lifes of every creature that we sacrifice -- unlike George W Bush. There were even a couple of Amens.

I don't know if there has been much response to the Dove letter that was delivered from "Ariel." She wondered if you could become a god, as I recall. I know Neb would say you have to be born a god, and that the Christians probably say that Jesus was born a god, although that was unique. My thought is that why would you want to be a god...way too much responsibility. There is more to being divine than just the ability to smite stuff and be arrogant. What if people actually prayed to you? How would you answer them? What if creation became unbalanced? How would you deal with it? Anything less than absolute power, absolute knowledge, and absolute integrity would make you less than a god, and not at all divine.

That's my tuppence worth...

Job, primping for meeting Jezebel.

Guys night outApr 27, 16:45
For a long time last night, only the guys seemed to be around. While it wasn't exactly "male bonding" (or any other kind of bondage, save that of sin, in which we did NOT engage), it was a chance to get to know a few of my mates.

A couple of the girls eventually showed up, but we ended up being very task-oriented. John, Peter and Esther had to go and plan worship for tonight; Moses and Neb got a Dove letter (I didn't know the Dove could fly inside); I just went back to the bar and served Moses Water-on-the-Rocks.

A week has passed since we boarded the Ark. It's a good time to take stock. I haven't seen my friend the parrot since last week. I'm sure he's around, but maybe he's making friends below decks. Speaking of which, I haven't yet seen any of the animals. Several of the 'mates claim to have seen or heard them...all I've heard is Samson and John the Baptist snoring (which DOES resemble trumpeting elephants at times). I had an interview with the One-who-cannot-be-Named, which didn't go badly, although it seems I'm stuck with my ears that stick out. I may (or may not) have a tattoo, but can't get my shirt off to find out -- I like Samson's tattoo. I've noticed the women (Eve's hard to miss), but haven't felt any need to be more than friends (I fear that may get too complicated); mind you, with Joseph's departure and the possibility that Jezebel will replace him, there is some thought that Jezebel will "cheer me up." -- I can only imagine what that is all about! I must say that after the first week of this cruise I am happier than I have been in a while -- nothing like a new set of friends to take your mind off your troubles.

I did remember my arkmates during Sabbath prayers. The Almighty One will surely bless them.

And so...

Cheers and blessings to all!

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On the Sabbath you shall do no manner of work...Apr 26, 16:53
I guess today is the day when we find out who can really keep the Law. I'm not particularly worried; my little gig as bartender for the Ark would probably be considered a necessary act even by the most conservative interpreters of the Law. I know that some people think the bar isn't really a necessity, but it has become clear to me that the Study -- what I call the Lounge -- is the ship's social centre. We'll probably get together and raise a glass (or our berets) and sing maudlin Lloyd Webber songs to lament Joseph's departure...called back to special is that???... and lay odds on who his replacement will be. I, of course, am partial to Jezebel, seeing as how the viewing public have overwhelmingly voted that a date with Jezebel would cheer me up (I do hope the creators figure out some way to get two people on one bed). On the other hand, if Jonah shows up, he'd be a natural contestant to walk the plank, and we'd then have the fun of watching him get swallowed up by a big fish (I wonder if that would be before or after his exit interview).

Eve is a delight; she manages to find something kind to say about everybody. I think I'm getting over the fig leaves and beginning to see the real Eve.

Peter and Esther really aren't getting along very well; Peter keeps begging for forgiveness for his blatant sexist remark and groping hands. I reminded Esther that if she gets onto the forgiveness track, Peter will expect forgiveness 490 times (seventy times seven, according to Jesus), which I think, gives Peter far too much license for wrong-doing.

Supper last night was pretty interesting. It was good to eat food (so much for fasting). The red stuff was pretty good; on the other hand, the green stuff bore a striking resemblance to Kermit the Frog (it's not easy being green). I had the red.

I understand from Peter, John and Esther that we are having church tomorrow. I wonder which tradition they will follow?

See you in the lounge!

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External ValidationApr 25, 20:41
Dear Diary

This entry may seem a little self indulgent, but let me just say how GOOD it feels to get external validation (unlike those three 'comforters' in the BOOK who seem more like nay-sayers). It started when Eve said she liked my moustache. I actually blushed a bit. Then was the big race and trivia contest; Samson the Judge said, "Job's team won" which is pretty special. I know he said "Job's team" simply because my name is the shortest and easiest to spell, but even so I really did like the sound of that!

After the race, things did get a bit ugly for a few moments when Simon Peter made a really sexist comment. I know he's a brash chap, and often puts his mouth in motion before he puts his mind in gear; even so, one really doesn't want a quarter of the crew against you at any given time. While Peter can be charming, brash and naive, there are times that the tongue really is a serpent that bites its owner in really uncomfortable places.

Joe was still catatonic when I went to the bedroom. The life of dreams must be very engaging.

The lounge has become the favourite meeting place, and I'm enjoying dispensing beverages of choice. Seems that Gabriel likes single malt whiskies, which bodes well for the afterlife!

Cocktail hour here...see you on deck.

Job, feeling very validated!
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The Good, the Bad, and the DovelyApr 24, 16:17
I was there!

It was a beautiful moment, as Eve got blissed out, and her face went beatific, and there was the dove. Of course the rest of us weren't quite sure what was going on, but as Eve shared the details of the encounter with the dovine, we learned that we were to help this poor bird.

I was reminded of that 80's song by Prince, When Doves Cry.... "Dream if you can a courtyard; an ocean of violets in bloom...." to dream of a place that is better (even if it is Mexico); otherwise we're left with the sound of our own screaming (in the words of Prince). Many of us on the Ark are carrying burdens of memory, but the real burden is whether we should live in the past, or learn from the past. Moses kept having to deal with that -- those unruly Hebrews that kept thinking Egypt was better. What that has to do with this dove's situation, I have no idea, but I've never been one to stay on topic!

Several of us (thank you, Esther!) experimented with physical touching...hugging, high fives, and even dancing. Dealing with physical needs, though, is still a problem...I haven't found out how to get into the fridge or open the cupboards; nobody can get into the upstairs bathroom yet either.

A little sing-song with Simon Peter, JohnBap and Esther broke out in the study at the end of the hour last night. I think I've found my calling as a bartender, and hope that we'll have many other encounters over drinks.

Poor Joe and Martha -- cryogenic passengers, it seems. Perhaps they'll thaw out by tonight. Seeing as how I sleep in that room, I hope it's not contagious!

Blessings to all -- even Neb.

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Another day, another boil...Apr 23, 15:29
Speaking of boiling, we still haven't seen much by way of cook-ware, or even the ability to discover what provisions are in the cupboard. I wonder if the creators are trying to drive us into cannibalism? Samson would probably make the best roast...

Neb keeps saying he's a god. This is an easily tested assertion. Just make him walk the plank...I understand from the newer tradition, that G-d can walk on water. If Neb isn't a god, he'll meet the One-who-cannot-be-Named shortly after disappearing from view.

A bath would be good, or even a nice swim in the pool. I know that JohnBap is looking forward to using the pool for his own purposes; I can be repentant with the best of them, so a splash with the baptist wouldn't be too awful.

I overheard a conversation between Peter and Paul seems that they agree on far more than they disagree...even willing to let go of circumcision. This is the biggest news since Acts 15 and the Council of Jerusalem. I also figured out that it is very difficult to have a private conversation on this boat (I was listening from behind the bathroom wall).

I'm still getting lots of votes for a date with Jezebel. Thank you for your support!


To fast or not too fastApr 22, 15:47
Dear Diary

An interesting day on the ark. I'm still bound and grateful to St. Erin for keeping me on track, since I can't read the text bubbles (because of a computer glitch, not a literacy issue, just to reassure you). She gets on the 'phone and reads to me (except when she's laughing out loud). This was really important tonight, since I ended up getting called to the Crow's nest for a talk with G-d. It wasn't quite what I expected.

G-d kept making the point that this voyage was about us; I thought faith was about G-d. But when I asked for specific favours (like getting my ears bobbed), all G-d would offer was a referral to Michael Jackson's cosmetic surgeon. I thanked G-d for my many blessings, but passed on the surgeon.

We're starting to get things sorted out bed-wise; it's interesting that many of the beds are doubles, but two people can't inhabit the same bed. Must be some kind of design flaw. I was hoping to get a bunk near Joseph (to enjoy a better quality of dreams). I suspect that Paul talks in his sleep -- some of his written material appears to have been written in that blissful state.

Also, the upstairs showers and toilets are out of order. I hope this isn't a lingering problem.

Several of us seem to be able to cook: there were offers of grilled locusts, caramalized onions and a variety of salads. I wonder how long I can fast.

Fast is one of those interesting words, isn't it...when a religious person is on a fast, they're not eating. If a car is fast, it's speedy; if a ship is fast, it's tied up or aground; if a woman is fast...well...I WAS offered a date with Jezebel (thanks for all the support on the poll!).

Tomorrow's another day, or perhaps even the same day in a different time zone.


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Job\'s EarsApr 21, 1:24
Dear Diary

Did you know that I was the subject of the first poll? I guess somebody noticed how much my ears stuck out. I feel a bit like Prince Charles, although I don't talk to flowers and vegetables. With ears like mine, I guess there are two alternatives...keep me away from mirrors or give me a date with Jezebel (you know what they say about guys with big ears -- Hey it true?).

btw...did you notice the discussion about Gabriel, speaking of big ... ears?

Vote often in today's poll!!

Job (aka. Odd Job)
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he Apr 21, 1:09
Welcome to the internet -- I've been frozen, bounced, ignored, and blocked (my heavens, that Samson can stop up a doorway!). Gabriel offered to show me the bedroom, and I'm still not sure what to think of that. Joseph called me darling...I mean really!!!

In real life, I guess it was a busy day for Mary seems to me that I read about her a bunch of times this morning. I hope her day is getting better.

The Ark environment really is pretty neat. Sooner or later, I hope, the pool will be filled (although I'm worried that JohnBap will use it for religious purposes when most of us will simply be checking out one another in bathing suits).

I missed meeting Martha tonight...I hope she figures out how to find us. Maybe we should throw her a life-buoy ring. I was hoping that my friend the parrot would make an appearance, but perhaps tomorrow (it was hard enough following the dialogue strands as it is!).

Have a great night, everybody...see you tomorrow.

Job (aka. Odd Job)
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Packing for the tripApril 19, 2003, 10:52 am
There's just a day to go; I was on board checking out the different rooms and didn't happen to see the laundry. Of course Eve doesn't need to worry too much about that, although a change of seasons might make her foliage drop off. As for the rest of us, however, I think a bit of soap and a washtub wouldn't hurt (there's bound to be enough water). I also had a look at the bunks -- reminds me of my Navy days, and I hope that there aren't any 80 decibel snorers on board. It seems to me that snoring would be a good reason to have to walk the plank.

It's going to be hard leaving the pets behind (seeing as how most of the family have recently died), but I suppose there'll be lots of animals on board too. I've already made friends with one of the parrots, and I suspect I look a bit like Long John Silver with this bird sitting on my shoulder.

I was looking at some of the other work that our hosts, Special Moves, have done -- these Osborne folks aren't a particularly attractive bunch, are they -- do we have to include a pair of long-haird Osbornes with all the other animals?

Well, back to the steamer trunk...where's that porter?
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