Samson Paul Neb Moses Maggie Martha Joseph John Job Jezebel Esther Eve
   Launch the Ark
   News & clips
   Divine dozen
   – Simon
   – Diary
   – Questionnaire
   – Biography
   – Books etc.
   Original Ark
   Study notes
   Post-plank interview with Simon Peter
Rosie and Simon

Day 30

Simon Peter (or SP, as he's become known) became the sixth arkmate to walk the plank on Day 30, after a surprising vote in which Paul was the favourite to go. After diving off the Ark's side, Rosie Telford, who played the blunt, down-to-earth apostle, arrived in the Ark Chat for her post-plank interview. How did she feel about her stormy relationship with Esther... why did she play Simon so laddishly... and what about the floater in *that* sermon?

Wood: Simon Peter... time to unmask yourself.

Simon Peter: OK.

Wood: Who are you?

Simon Peter: My name's Rosie. I'm a 24 year old postgraduate student in astrophysics at the Uni of Leicester.

Moses: I knew it! Another girlie!

Simon Peter: Hurrah!

Simon Peter: And I think I'm in a lot of trouble...

Wood: Why so many sexist comments and grabbings?

Simon Peter: It's not very often I get to be a boy! I think I was a bit over-enthusiastic.

Wood: Go on...

Simon Peter: But I reckon earlier on that could count as bravado in the face of meeting new people. I tried to be nicer in one-to-ones.

Wood: Sort of a reverse drag queen thing going on, would you say?

Simon Peter: Yeah.

Job: What about the yellow dungarees?

Simon Peter: I thought they were OK. I'd wear them out clubbing ;) I didn't like being blond and beardie tho. (Sorry to any blond beardies out there.)

Simon Peter: What I really really wanted to say though, is that my character being rude and crude was my reaction to being on a ship full of intellectuals. Since when were Jesus' disciples middle class?

Wood: You think Samson was intellectual?

Simon Peter: I think he used too many words that wouldn't have been in his vocabulary. And he was way, way too self-aware. Sorry, I'm being a snob.

Wood: So who do you think is going to walk the plank next?

Simon Peter: Either Paul or Martha. They're not as interesting as the others.

Wood: Yoyo asks: why all the boy talks with Paul?

Simon Peter: Boy talks? I didn't think I spent much time with Paul. I was hoping he'd fight more, but he was too nice.

Wood: Did you feel more of a Simon or a Peter?

Simon Peter: Definitely a Simon! Always messing up embarrassingly. Then saying sorry and messing up again.

Job: Should Rosie be feeling Peters?

Simon Peter: Hee hee. Nice one, Job.

Justesse: Rosie – do you think that Jesus' followers never had intellectual conversations?

Simon Peter: I think they did have intellectual convos, but very much on their own terms. And I really don't think swearing would have bothered them much.

Justesse: Which were – what?

Simon Peter: Just about normal stuff. How to live, rather than lofty ideas about defining God exactly.

Moses: Good point (I liked the floater analogy btw).

Monkeyhead: No, the apostles wandering around behind Jesus would NOT have been a bunch of ladies at a tea party.

Simon Peter: Exactly.

clare: Did you realise how much trouble the floater analogy was going to get you into?

Simon Peter: No. And close your ears if you're easily offended, but I was a bit drunk at the time and hadn't planned the sermon.

Wood: Gasp.

clare: Ha!

twohouseholds: What an excuse!

Simon Peter: And I thought SP would use metaphors, and that was the best I could think of.

Simon Peter: Seemed like a good idea at the time...

clare: It was a very good sermon for the medium.

Sarkycow: It certainly got you noticed.

Simon Peter: Just turned the whole world against me... *sigh* tough being an apostle.

Justesse: Not the whole world. There were thousands of plumbers rooting for you!

Simon Peter: I was amazed to get hate mail!

Simon Peter: (Plumbers surf on SOF?)

Monkeyhead: (Between flushes.)

simon*: Rosie, did you think of playing SP more blandly to help you stay in longer?

Simon Peter: No, that would have been boring.

simon*: I mean, was there a tension between playing laddishly and wanting to win the game?

Simon Peter: I was there for entertainment first and foremost. I did try and tone it down after a bit.

yoyo*: Were you trying to exaggerate male features?

Simon Peter: I don't think so. Mimic would be more the word. I've just been acting in a play, and a couple of the cast members were extremely laddish, so I copied.

clare: Was SP all talk and no trousers?

Simon Peter: In part. I think whoever it was, was right when they said he's scared of women.

simon*: Did you really get hate mail?

Simon Peter: Icarus Coot was pretty scathing on the boards and in the chat room.

Simon Peter: Hope there's no one out there wanting to burn me! Or expel me!

clare: Or stick your head down the bog! Just to see if it comes up again.

Simon Peter: Ha ha!

Simon Peter: That's something that really bugged me. I came in the chat room once to find everyone talking about elephant turds, and I thought, "hypocrites!!"

clare: But there is a difference between talking about turds between friends and turds in a sermon surely?

Simon Peter: Why the boundary between spiritual and conversational?

Monkeyhead: Si-Rosie, what romantic development plans might have been if you'd stayed in longer?

Simon Peter: I think underneath it all, SP was actually quite faithful. He would've keep flirting and passing comments, but would've been too scared to do any more.

Simon Peter: So can I ask a question to the admin?

simon*: Ok...

Simon Peter: I want to know if it was just coincidence that half the evictees so far are vicars, or thinking of becoming them.

simon*: No, it isn't. It must be the Lord.

Simon Peter: Ha ha!

Ancient Mariner: Amen.

Job: Job patiently points out that he is a Rector, not Vicar...

Wood: Same difference.

simon*: Was Simon hurt when Esther talked about keeping his "big fishy hands" off her?

Simon Peter: Dunno if hurt, more confused.

Simon Peter: Actually, yes, hurt. He was confused because he thinks he's irresistible! And he genuinely couldn't see what he'd done wrong.

clare: Did you identify with any of the women as another woman?

Simon Peter: I liked Martha. I liked Mary and Jez. It was just Esther I had a problem with.

yoyo*: Why?

Simon Peter: Too easily offended. The type who can give it out, but can't take it back.

Sarkycow: You and she had some serious run ins, Rosie.

Simon Peter: She could be pretty evil when she wanted to. Wasn't exactly turning the other cheek!

Simon Peter: I think it's just that I'm not an assertive person in real life, and she scared me a bit.

yoyo*: Is that why you didn't like her?

Simon Peter: Guess so. Also, she kept nominating me ;)

clare: Has being Simon changed your view of God?

Simon Peter: I don't think it has, sorry. I think I might be a bit over-familiar sometimes.

clare: Because one of the conversations that I loved on the Ark was you and Moses talking about your different experiences of God.

Simon Peter: Oh, that was great!

Moses: Really clare? :)

Simon Peter: I really enjoyed that.

Moses: Me too...

Simon Peter: I knew you were a girl RIGHT from the start, Mo :)

Moses: You did?

Simon Peter: Remember when I was moping by the pool? You came over to try and cheer me up,

Moses: What gave it away?!

Simon Peter: You were just too nice and too interested! I liked being able to dispose of empathy whenever I boarded.

simon*: Can I say thanks on behalf of the male population for that remark?

Simon Peter: Soz, Simon. Science is on my side, though. Brain structure and all that.

Ancient Mariner: So... gender check everyone. Who, left on board, do you think is a male playing female and vice versa?

Simon Peter: Actually I dunno. I think the girls are all girls. Paul is a boy, cos he likes Monty Python. He quotes incessantly.

Wood: Oh, and you HAVE to be a boy to like Python, right Rosie?

Simon Peter: Yeah, but I'm a physicist. That's different, it goes with the job. With Paul, it was the quoting thing. Girls like things without quoting constantly.

Sarkycow: Yes, the quoting of it is a boy thing. It proves their innate... manhood?

Wood: So, what? because you're into physics, you're an honorary guy?

Simon Peter: I have an honorary p***s.

Sarkycow: JtB is a girl.

Simon Peter: I can't tell with J the B.

yoyo*: Was Joseph a girl?

Simon Peter: I was thinking boy.

Ancient Mariner: And what about Samson?

Simon Peter: Samson – either gay or a girl. I had a dream that they were all girls. Maybe that was SP coming through...

yoyo*: Were you surprised to go, SP?

Simon Peter: I was, actually. I thought I was more interesting than Paul... and I think the people tut-tutting won out.

Simon Peter: Paul was a bit of a minger, though, wasn't he?

Wood: "Porno tache" was the phrase you used about him right at the start.

Simon Peter: About Job. They thought it was about Paul. Job was definitely scarier, though.

Job: Me, scary?

Wood: The ears – it was the ears.

Simon Peter: Job, it was the tache!

twohouseholds: One question, Rosie. Do you really like Wild Rover?

Simon Peter: I went through a folk spell. I fiddle.

twohouseholds: Scots or Irish fiddling? Or both?

Simon Peter: Well, went up through the orchestras, then got sick of it, and made friends with a pop-folk duo who wore silly hats.

Simon Peter: The end.

  Back to Simon's homepage
The Ark © 2003
*Samson not drawn to scale