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   Divine service stirs up gender war
Divine Service

Day 28

Today's divine service stirred up friction between the sexes, and in its aftermath, Esther got so annoyed that she went to bed early, ignoring the grovelling apologies of her arkmates.

The service, with the theme "a celebration of gender", started well enough, with Esther first asking the arkmates to contribute Bible texts and say a few words about them. However, when people began to discuss the feminine aspects of God, it was seconds before the trouble began, with Paul and Simon Peter doing a passable impression of Beavis and Butthead (Paul: "huh, huh... You said 'breast'").

By the time Paul got up to do his liturgical dance, not only was Simon in full flow, but John had begun to complain about how long the service was taking. Although Samson's sermon celebrating women was, according to God, "pleasing", even he couldn't resist making a reference to breasts (Martha: "What is it with all the mammarian references tonight?")

When the planned bit of ceremonial washing in the bathroom failed to even begin, this, combined with John the Baptist's increasingly strident whinging about the length of the service, proved too much for Esther, who simply went to bed.

Meanwhile, Simon Peter continued talking about breasts for the rest of the day, leading to a definitive putdown from Martha: "Do you really want us to get into a discussion on the size of various body parts?"

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*Samson not drawn to scale