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   Jezebel | Diary
During the 40 days and 40 nights of the Ark's voyage, our 12 crew members will be recording their thoughts and feelings about their Arkmates, the tasks and crises they'll be facing, and the dreadful prospect of walking the plank before the Ark reaches Mt Ararat. For Jezebel's Diary, read on... and click the "comments" links to add your own comments to any of her diary entries.
May 26, 5:06
So after a few seconds of deep contemplation, and the need to recover from the recent revelling, I decided my evening would be better spent in meditation than participating in a service dedicated to contemplating the bane of our existence, the Ark.

So I take a day or two off. And what do I get for it??? Nominated, that's what! I get no gratitude for the endless hours spent cheering people, lifting boredom, and instigating merriment. You'd think they wanted to be miserable! What are they going to do without me- preach?

Oh well, the time had to come sooner or later. I'll just have to spend my last few days here on the Ark living it up and leaving my mark on these good people. There's bound to be some mischief I can get into tonight...

May 22, 21:45
I'm sensing a cloud of tension accumulating here on the Ark. Probably all about the nominations- though Paul not letting any of us sleep because he was jumping on the beds all night didn't help. It's a good thing we did the play last night. I laughed so hard I couldn't talk straight! And I think it took everyone's mind off who they were going to backstab today.

I predict these next few days will be very... interesting. After all, we can only be sweet as pie to our fellow inmates whilst we turn around and slag eachother off to the great almighty for so long without raising a few heckles. Hee hee... the fun is just beginning!

May 21, 21:29
I'm being afflicted with another moment of conscience. What the $(*&$'s wrong with me????

My favorite little apostle appears to be feeling the pointed disdain that's been aimed towards him as of late. While normally I wouldn't care, I'm thinking perhaps just this once I should extend the olive branch. After all, they did teach us in the Pretty Pagan Princess Finishing School that we should always show grace and charm in our manner, and only turn to bloodshed as a last resort. I guess I'll see if I get an opportunity- to be gracious and charming, that is.

On to more exciting things.... tonight we're doing a play and I get to kill people! Samson and JTB did the casting and I noticed that Esther and I will end up in a fight scene together.... coincidence, or the lads' twisted little minds at work???

What is WRONG with these people?!?!?!May 20, 9:47
What a bunch of whiners!!!!! Yesterday our *pleasure cruise* was just one little black raincloud. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get their minds off their troubles. Even when I tried to distract a few by helping cheer John up, neither he nor they would be distracted. Apparently they want to bask in the gloom and doom of it all.

I know everyone was down because of nominations, but really- don't these people all go on up to the Spirit in the Sky if they miss the lifeboat? Ultimately, they're going to end up living on a cloud where they can play harps and sing hymns to their hearts' content. So what's the deal??? Are they trying to do penance for last week's revelling?

It seemed like god was in a rare mood yesterday as well. It would appear he/she only accepts me when I'm amusing. I'll have to keep that in mind next time I'm in the Crow's Nest. Maybe I'll do a stand-up comedy act for my next nominations.

If this nonsense keeps up, I just might throw myself overboard... Spike the Squid seems a lot more cheery and fun-loving than this bunch!
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May 18, 0:45
I keep having strange dreams that someone's standing over my bed, talking to me. And while he keeps ogling over me he talks with his mouth but not his eyes. The weirdest thing is I can't tell if it's real or a dream. It's very spooky. I miss my bodyguards.

There couldn't be a stalker here on the Ark... could there?

I wonder if God would let me move to the Pink bedroom...


May 17, 10:07
I've noticed a definite tension in the air lately. I think this boat needs its collective aura cleansed. Therefore today I will meditate for peace and tranquility...

(breathing in, centering my focus, grasping the eternal light...)

(breathing out, envisioning bad feelings like little black rainclouds fleeing from the brightness of my inner being...)

(cue the synthesized yet supposedly relaxing ambient music...)

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May 17, 10:03
I think I’m going to write a book after this is all over. Here’s the first draft:

How to Make Converts and Influence Heathens…

The definitive how-to guide to winning unsuspecting lost souls to the Way of Truth.

- Preach. Nothing enlights, enthrals, and inspires like a good hour-long rant on the topic of your choice, complete with three main points, a few jokes and anecdotes, and a challenge at the end.

- Tell them they’re wretched, filthy sinners. A good kick up the old backside is notorious for getting people motivated to ‘clean up their act.’ Better yet, tell them they’re wretched, filthy, stinking sinners and throw in the old ‘but you love them anyways… just because God says you should.’ The emotional response (following the inevitable punch in the nose) will be overwhelming.

- Be an example. Abstain from sex, drugs, alcohol, j-walking, R-rated movies, playing cards, moshing, and any other questionable behaviour. The most important thing to remember with this tactic is to proclaim loudly and vehemently why you are forgoing said activity. Everyone around you (who will, of course, be revelling in these glories and going straight to hell in a handbasket) will be eternally grateful to you for showing the path to freedom from instant gratification.

- Be a servant. This one’s all about efficiency: Follow the poor saps around attending to their every whim, whilst spiritually heaping coals’o’fire on their heads.. Kill them with kindness. Make sure they know that you’re doing it because God told you to. Be persistent. They need you. The want you. They just don’t know it yet.

- Fall in love. The old ‘flirt to convert’ attack gets ‘em every time.

- If all else fails, use logic. Inundate them with big words with deep meanings in rapid succession and before you know it, they’ll be overwhelmed by the Spirit.

Stay tuned for further developments

'May the lord smite me with it... and may I never recover!'May 16, 9:57
So is god playing some kind of weird joke??

I mean really- open showers and toilets? Men and women *gasp* bathing together?

And then there's the shower dance. Just one round of that sends the lads a-drooling. Does God not screen his ideas for public viewing?

Of course, when Esther and I tried to wrestle, our limited maneuvering abilities came off looking highly suspect (really folks, nothing happened. Get your minds out of the gutter!!) Who knew a shrug and a point could be so suggestive?

All of these subtle, or not so subtle, entendres are leading me to question god's motives. We know he/she likes us to have a little fun but what kind-of fun is he/she trying to get us up to here on the Ark? Is he/she encouraging licentious behavior? Is revelry actually permitted amongst godly people?! Does no one fear a wave of wrath and restitution?? Boy, this is going to turn some theological heads!

We can already see the effect here on the Ark. Yesterday Samson forgot his fetish for good girls and succumbed to flirtation with me! The woman of ill repute! The 'Lady of the Night'! (I was only having a little fun with him, honest.) *gasp* *horror!* And even Paul let down his guard and suggested that I would make a lovely lesbian. Since when is THAT a conversion tactic??? And the Jerry Springer idea was a hit! Do godly people enjoy a good catfight as much as the rest of us?

Could this be the beginning of an era???
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May 14, 16:18
Well these last few days have been very eye-opening, I must say. Following Paul’s sad and dismal failure to show sensitivity, I had a little chat with god about his people's methods. Seems god’s not concerned with the tradition of insulting ‘heathens’ to their face and then telling them that they’re still loved despite their numerous and oversimplified faults. To be honest, I’ve learned a lot more about real love from the teachings of Buddha. And after an unsuccessful heart-to-heart with an NT prophet (though I really can’t blame him for his issues with royalty- I guess with all that history we’ll just never really be able to connect), I give up.

I've come to a resolution. I am not here to make friends, allies, enemies, or fools. I didn’t board the ark to find spiritual fulfilment. Neither did I come to justify myself of my past. Why am I here then? I really just wanted to meet people, and have some fun and a few laughs. And that’s what I’m going to do, darn it!

So no more trying to level with these people! They are clearly off on a level all their own, and whether their god is out there with them out there in the mental styx or they’ve just yet to fully understand him/her remains to be seen. I've found peace and fulfilment through my own search of the gods and philosophies, and have come to grips with the person I once was and the person I've become. If all the holier-than-thous want to see is a one-dimensional woman comprised of pure evil, let them think it. If they simply want fun and games out of me, then fun and games is what they're gonna get!

Paul can condemn and preach all he wants. Samson and Martha can spoon or debate about the possibility or impossibility of spooning to their hearts’ content. John can sing, SP can agonise, and Mary can ferret. Heck, they can all shave their heads and throw themselves overboard in search of extraterrestrial life if the spirit leads. So long as I can sit on a deck chair with a margarita and work on my tan, I’ll leave them to it.

May 14, 11:50

*&^£&^$ apostles! Think they can put us all in a box, do they???? &^$*!!!!

Must focus! Peace and love!

(three deep, though forced, Ujjayi breaths…..)


And $%*&^ god!! Him and his little games… what does he think we are? Cardboard chess pawns?

No!!! Can’t let myself dwell on pettiness. Must… fight…. the urge….

(reluctantly breathing in peace and happiness)

(forcibly breathing out anger and tension)

(envisioning myself reaching my goals, brushing off adversity, finding the path to self-fulfillment….)

I feel the power! Yes, I can!!!!! I will prevail!


Don’t try this at home, kiddies…May 13, 10:22
Well, looks like Paul won the race to share the *good news* with the Queen of All that is Evil. I was wondering who would get there first.

But of all the possible conversion talks I’ve heard (and believe me, I’ve had A LOT of conversion talks aimed at me) that had to be the worst. Paul, the *wise and learned* teacher, decided to start off with a confession that he loves me. So there he is whingeing about how terrible it is, and I’m thinking ‘he’s a nice guy, so I’ll let him down easy’ (though I’ve had many a commoner beheaded for being so cheeky in the past. Too bad I signed that agreement about not lynching anyone before I boarded the Ark!). And then he tells me that no, it’s not *that kind* of love, and pulls out the old Four-Greek-Words-For-Love hat-trick. As if I’ve never heard Greek ideology before! I certainly have- just not that badly dramatised (was the guy going for an Oscar?)

The best part is when he tells me that I’m a bitter, angry bitch but he loves me anyways for no apparent reason. Really!!! Is it any wonder that his speech sadly failed to send me running for the altar in repentance?

For starters, I’d like him to prove his unfounded opinions- on what he’s seen of me rather than what he’s read (which, if you’ll remember, was written by HIS people, NOT mine!) As if I needed the *support* of someone who disdains my personality but cares about the person I could be (if only I’d change my ways, cut my hair, stop talking in church, learn to cook, be a supportive wife, try to convince the rest of the world that I’m right and their wrong, etc) just because he’s told to.

I think I’m beginning to understand why this god’s church is such a mess, with such a frigid, emotionless, guilt-driven man who has probably never had a deep relationship in his life for a role model.

Oh god, save me… from your followers!

It was simple mistake...May 11, 20:27
Well! Either I spent too much time in the presence of *the almighty* and needed to recover or I accidentally mistook Martha's scotch for my ginger beer (first rule of plotting: never inebriate yourself in the midst of a devious plan. I guess old habits are die-hard!)- either way, I went to sleep and woke up a full day later!!! How very strange!

What did I miss?! Who walked the plank? Did anyone find the animals? Did Gabe make the announcement about our little game? Has Martha agreed to preach at the service? Oh, the suspense!!! (end sarcasm)

I'm still a little worried about this service. Apparently the topic for this evening is fear (nice irony there, g). While my personal guru doesn't recommend this concept as a focus for meditation, I think I can make it work, as it seems to be a favorite with this bunch. I just hope the Arkmates will go along with it- they could use a dose of self-realization. And I'll have to fit it in with the whole jehovah-worship thing. I've decided that since god's being so jovial lately (ha ha- no pun intended. Jove... now he was a fun god!) I'll keep it an "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" kinda relationship. So I'll do my best to take this whole service thingy seriously. I guess we'll see how it goes!
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god DOES have a sense of humor!May 10, 17:44
I knew it! Yesterday was SO much fun- I can't wait to see how our cheeky little plan works out. I was only slightly disappointed that god didn't want to help Esther and me come up with mischevious ideas. He/she seemed like he/she was itching to. But then, it's got a lot of responsibility, I guess.

So anyways, I think now that god's emerged from its enormously bad mood I might go chat in the Crow's Nest more often. I have so many questions...

I'm a bit apprehensive about leading the next service. Of course, it will be far from traditional. I was joking about the ritual sacrifice, but I do plan to lead a meditation so that we can all quietly worship whomever... er... however we please. And I'm going to ask JTB to lead an interpretive dance. I have a hunch he's just bursting with ideas on alternative worship. But who should I ask to preach? There are so many things to think about! I guess it's fortunate that I don't have to do this every week. Being royalty is such a nice job- I can always hire someone else to make decisions for me!

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